Dear RAFT: I’m Being Micromanaged! (response from a leadership pov)

Dear RAFT,  

I’m in a tough situation with a toxic micromanaging director. I’ve been with my organization for about 2 years, and everything has been fine until my supervisor quit recently after butting heads with the new director. I’ve taken on more responsibility, and even though I’ve always proven I can handle things, and I’ve shown that I can meet deadlines and manage events, my director is now watching me like a hawk. I wouldn’t mind so much if they had a meeting with me and clearly laid out their expectations, but instead they are just watching my every move and interjecting during tasks. I’ve tried to express that I can handle this role and if they want to have a conversation we can. Last week everything came to head when I was in the middle of setting up for an event, that has already been approved, and they asked me to completely change everything in that moment. I stood my ground and refused because there wasn’t enough time, and I was almost done preparing. Afterwards the director gave me a huge lecture about doing what I’m told, that they know what is right and my behavior was extremely disrespectful. Every day has been a battle since then. I love this job, and I’ve built so many relationships here that I don’t want to abandon. But I feel like I’m being pushed to a breaking point. Do you have any advice for how to move forward so that I don’t have to quit my job? 

Sincerely, 
Tired of fighting

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Dear Tired of fighting, 

Before diving to deeply into your story I want to acknowledge that this is a difficult and challenging situation with a lot of moving pieces, and I would be feeling the same frustration and stress you are. Your challenge becomes even greater because of the power differential between you and your supervisor, making it harder for you to initiate a solution. 

I want to approach this in two parts: 

1. Discuss some ideas around solving the friction points between you and your supervisor. 

2. Share a positive approach to having the difficult conversation with your supervisor. 

The Friction Points

Reading your email I think there are a couple of reasons you are struggling with your new supervisor: 

Taking on more responsibility

I am wondering if you, your supervisor, and others in your organization are all clear on the fact that you have taken on more work, what that work is, and the impact this new work is having on your time? Has anyone officially recorded your current tasks and your new workload? 

If the new work you are doing isn’t official, and everyone (especially your supervisor) isn’t clear on what this new work is, it could be a cause of the problem you are experiencing. If your “official” work is being done on a different timeline, or a different order and no one realizes this is because of the extra work you are doing, that might be causing some of the trust issues, micromanaging, and conflict. 

Write out all of your current official tasks AND all of the new work you are doing for the organization. Then share this list with your supervisor (we’ll talk about how a bit later) and make sure that both of you agree that this is what your job looks like now. If there are tasks they don’t want you doing, take them off your list. If there are tasks they want you doing then add them to the list.  

Setting clear expectations

Once you are both working from the same list you need to have a conversation about setting expectations around your list. My mentor is always saying that it is important to “make the obvious explicit.” Remove all of the assumptions that may exist between the two of you. Even if something seems completely obvious talk about it, and make sure both of you are clear on how that task works, the timeline for that task, who is involved in that task, how to report, etc. 

Take a look at this blog post on delegation for some helpful ideas on setting expectations.

Using setting up an event as an example: 

• What are the different tasks required to set up for the event? 

• Which of those tasks do they need to be involved in? 

• When do these tasks have to be done? 

• How far ahead of the event can you or your supervisor request changes? 

• If changes are made what is the new timeline for preparing for the event? 

Asking these questions, and discussing them can help make the process for setting up an event clearer in the future for both of you, build trust, and remove the feeling that you are being micromanaged. 

Setting up a meeting

You mention in your email that you have “tried to express that I can handle this role and if they want to have a conversation we can.” 
 
From what you have written it sounds like YOU would like to have a conversation about all of this, so I would request a meeting with your supervisor instead of letting them decide if, and when you two should have a meeting. 

Having the difficult conversation

Communicating about challenges is tough. To be honest it isn’t my biggest strength and something I am always working on. Recently I read the book “Conversations Worth Having” and took the Conversations Worth Having training, and I think it can provide a new and helpful approach to meeting with your supervisor. 

Meeting when you are both in the best mindset

Setting up the best environment for this conversation with your supervisor will be key in making sure you have the most productive conversation possible. Here are some ideas on how to create this environment: 

• Have your list of tasks recorded and send them to your supervisor ahead of time so they have time to process and think through their responses. This will prevent them from being surprised and unprepared. 

• Ask your supervisor when the best day of the week is for them to meet and when the best time of day is for them. Try to match these times up with your own energy so that both of you are feeling as positive as possible. 

• Send them an agenda for the meeting ahead of time and ask them to add or make changes to that agenda so the meeting works for them. If your supervisor is co-creating the meeting it can reduce a feeling of “me versus you”. 

• When the actual day and time of the meeting arrives check in with yourself and your supervisor and ask if you are both in the best mindset for the conversation or if something has happened that day and you need to reschedule. 

Having a positive focused meeting

In “Conversations Worth having” the authors talk about having positive “conversations that add value through appreciative questions and dialogue”. You and your supervisor want to address the problems you are having, but instead of trying to “fix” them, you want to try and keep the conversation positive by looking at what is working and how you can do more of that. 

You can do this using a simple three step process: Name it, Flip it, Frame it. 

Name it: discuss the problem, complaint, challenge, or thing you don’t want. Discuss the problem and make sure you both agree on it. 

Flip it: write out the positive opposite of the problem and make sure you both agree with it. 

Frame it: if your positive flip were true what would working together look like? What is the desired outcome you are both looking for when you solve this problem? 

Using your setting up for an event example, it might look something like this:

Name it: Changes to the event were requested but didn’t happen, which caused conflict. 

Flip it: We had a conversation and came to an agreement on the changes for the event. 

Frame it: Events are always successful because we take the time to discuss expectations, changes, and both give input into the decisions made well before the event is taking place. 

Or you may decide to tackle the larger, ongoing challenges you are having:

Name it: we are having a challenge communicating with each other which is causing frustration for both of us. 

Flip it: we are communicating clearly which makes working together enjoyable. 

Frame it: Working together daily is a smooth and enjoyable experience as we make sure to clearly communicate with each other, set reasonable expectations, and bring up challenges we are having when they happen. 

Get curious and ask questions

Once you have finished naming it, flipping it, and framing it you can both begin to ask questions, and listen to answers about how you two can best work together and achieve the positive frame you created. Here are some sample questions to get you started: 

• Tell me about a time when you had the best experience working with me? 

• In an ideal world, what would it look like if we were successfully communicating and working together? 

• What do you value about me in my position? (make sure to tell them what you value about them) 

• Imagine we have solved our communication challenges. What does working together look like? 

• What strengths do we each have that would help us work together? 

• What actions could we take to improve how we work together? 

• What systems could we change/create to work together better? 

• What communication additions/changes could we make to work better together? 

• If we work together in this new way, what impact would this have on our relationship and the organization? 

If a new problem surfaces during the conversation, don’t get stuck focusing on the problem. Take that problem and name it, flip it, and frame it. Then focus on asking questions about best experiences, and positive outcomes. 

The key with this process is to focus on what is working, what could work, and how the two of you can achieve a positive relationship versus constantly mentioning what is broken and trying to fix it. Focusing on the negative and trying to fix it will make one, or both of you, start to feel defensive and the conversation can break down. 

That is a lot of information Tired of Fighting, hopefully it is helpful and you can work with your new supervisor to get clear on expectations, improve communications, and start to build a successful working relationship with your new supervisor.

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