How Leaders Can Use Transparency to Reduce Loneliness and Improve Connection

 Leadership can feel lonely. Really lonely. You have a unique view of your organization, department, or team; a view that others often don’t understand or even realize exists. 

As a leader, on top of everything going on in the organization you are also thinking about: 

- overall strategy for the organization over multiple years 

- funding the organization 

- ensuring your staff gets paid and can continue living their lives (this is a huge pressure) 

- mission and vision fit 

- relationships from the board all the way to front line staff 

- and much more 

If no one else is present to discuss all of this, brainstorm with, and share with, you are definitely going to feel lonely. 

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way. Over my years of supporting leaders in organizations, and my own leadership at RAFT I have discovered one big theme that helps me feel less lonely and more connected: Transparency 

The even better news is that RAFT’s RAW survey, research done by Self-Care For Advocates and the SOAR Collective, and conversations with advocates in our support calls, workshops, and at conferences all show that advocates have a strong desire to better understand their organization and to connect with their leadership more through: Transparency 

This gives you a chance to feel less lonely, match your team's desire to know more, and build connections with the people you lead. 

Less loneliness, more support, and more connections sounds great, and being transparent with the people you lead requires vulnerability, and that is scary. Luckily there are different levels of transparency, requiring different amounts of vulnerability, so you can start at a point you feel comfortable with and increase your transparency over time. You can be transparent with: 

- yourself (journaling)                                      Less Vulnerable                        Less impact           More lonely 

- people you trust 

- mastermind groups 

-your  leadership team 

- your whole organization                              More Vulnerable                      More impact         Less lonely 

In my experience as you move down this list, being transparent will feel more vulnerable, but ALSO have a greater impact for you and the people you lead. 

A common block to being transparent 

Before I jump into this list I want to discuss the argument/excuse I hear most against being transparent: 

“I need to protect confidentiality so can’t share certain things.” 

My reply: 

Great! Then don’t be transparent with confidential information, AND do be transparent by telling people openly, and repeatedly if necessary, when you can’t share because of confidentiality. This is being honest and open and preventing your silence from feeling like a mystery to those in your organization who want to know. After dealing with confidentiality you can start working on increasing your transparency about everything else. 

Start by sharing at a level you are comfortable with and work towards increasing your transparency. As you increase your level of transparency you will start discover more people having similar experiences as you, and more people who want to support you. 

Start by being more transparent with yourself 

Not understanding your own thoughts, or being confused about decisions and why you are making them increases feelings of loneliness because you aren’t even supporting yourself.  

Being more transparent with yourself through journaling is an easy place to start as no one will read what you write unless you choose to share it. 

I was not much of a journaler until a couple of years ago, and I am always amazed at how much is revealed through my pen when I ask myself a question and start to write about it. My favorite question is “what the heck is going on at RAFT?” Nice and simple, but it gets the conversation started in my head. 

Recently I used this prompt to explore why the RAFT team felt all over the place and everyone was feeling overwhelmed. I was looking for some answers about productivity methods, but my journaling helped me realize: 

The projects we are working on all move our important objectives forward, BUT are they the best possible projects to meet our objectives? Or, are there better projects or ideas that could have a bigger impact? 

My brain was finally being honest with itself, and it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was excited to write more about this idea, and share it with the team. 

At our next meeting a team member brought up this same question and I was instantly able to connect with the group by sharing my journal entry with them (this is an optional step), and now the team is moving in a different direction. 

If “what the heck is going on at my organization” isn’t a helpful question for you, you could try using the appreciative inquiry coaching questions listed in this resource on the RAFT website: https://www.raftcares.org/?sdm_process_download=1&download_id=2388 

Or, try answering one or more of Michael Bungay Stanier’s seven coaching questions and write your answers in your journal: 

What’s on your mind? 

What is the real challenge here for you? 

What do you want? 

If your saying yes to this, what are you saying no to? 

How can I help? 

What is most useful or valuable here for you? 

After asking yourself any of these questions, you can explore even deeper by asking: 

And what else?  

(these questions are from his book The Coaching Habit The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier (mbs.works)) 

Both the appreciative inquiry coaching questions (from Jacqueline Stavros book “Learning to SOAR” https://a.co/d/dd71oB6)  and the seven coaching questions can help you explore what is happening for you personally (and bonus, you can use these questions with your team as well). 

Open up to your trusted network 

Reducing your feelings of loneliness by being open and transparent can be much easier when sharing with the people you trust and feel safe with. In RAFT’s workshops we call this your trusted network. My mentor, Charlie Gilkey, calls this your success pack. My favorite, from Pam Slim, is calling this group of people your jedi counsel. 

When you need to talk something through, think about an idea or decision, or process bad news find the people you trust the most and talk with them. Just speaking the words out loud can make everything clearer, squash the doubt or shame voices in your head, and help you feel more supported, and less alone. 

My wife Ashlea, my two best friends, and a couple of old colleagues are all part of my Jedi counsel. None of them fully understand the work I do at RAFT, and none of them work in the gender-based violence field, but they are all able to listen and show that they care when I need to share something happening at work. Just being heard can instantly zap some of those lonely feelings you are having. 

(Check out this post for support in building you and your kid’s support networks: https://www.raftcares.org/resources/community-blog/5-things-your-kids-need-to-know-about-building-a-support-network/) 

Mastermind groups 

Sometimes your most trusted people can only help to a certain point because they don’t understand the field you are working in. Sometimes you need to talk to other leaders doing gender-based violence work because you know they are going to get it.  

Finding a group of leaders outside your organization, but in the gender-based violence field to speak with on a regular basis can create an amazing space for you to share and get clarity. This group have probably had similar experiences and challenges as you, so they can share lived leadership experience. The opportunity to normalize and contextualize what you are experiencing and feeling can erase your perception that you are all alone in your work. 

I meet with a leadership group once a month to discuss leadership and team interactions. Then, every two weeks I meet with an accountability group to discuss projects, commitments, and challenges that we are all experiencing. The opportunity to normalize and contextualize my experience and hear new ideas is something I look forward to every month. 

(RAFT offers two completely free leadership calls a month. We discuss leadership topics, share experiences, and offer support to leaders at all levels of gender-based violence organizations. You can sign up for these calls here:  Subscribe: Leaders – Raft Cares) 

Share with your leadership team 

A great, but more vulnerable place to be more transparent is with your organization’s leadership team. 

Every leader in your organization is experiencing challenges, and also have great ideas and solutions. This leadership team knows your organization well, and each member is also having unique experiences and has unique ideas to share. Being transparent with your own leadership team can provide much needed connection, help you with processing your thoughts, and allow them to give you direct support. 

After me, Mariam is the longest team member at RAFT. When I need to talk through things, and I’m not ready to share with the whole team, I will meet with Mariam to get her perspective and support. Or, I reach out and connect with our founder Indrani to talk things through. Both Mariam and Indrani have been through many ups and downs with RAFT so if I am feeling lonely meeting with them gives me the feeling of connection that keeps me going. 

The big step - sharing with your whole organization 

This can feel like a huge vulnerability step, but can also have the most impact on your feelings of loneliness and your team’s connection to you and your organization as a whole. 

The people in your organization want to understand what is happening. Your team is passionate about this work, the people you serve, and your organization. They want to know they are having an impact. They want to understand why decisions are being made, AND would like to be part of that decision making process when possible.  

Find your comfort zone (or maybe push past it a bit) and try sharing decision making information with your entire team or organization. Or share how you are feeling about something. A bit tougher, but share a challenge you are having or a mistake you have made. Sharing this information will improve your connection with your whole team and improve their connection with you. 

Years ago I would create RAFT’s strategic plan then share it with the board for approval, then share it with the team to put into action. This worked, but there was always a feeling of disconnect between myself, the plan, and the RAFT team. Not to mention the pressure I ended up feeling to make sure the plan worked. 

When the pandemic arrived I started including the whole team in our strategic planning process. I could feel the difference immediately. Everyone felt more connected through the joint plan and the appreciation and buy in from the team was huge. I also no longer felt the pressure of being the only one responsible for making the plan work, it was now a whole team effort. 

On a more personal note I recently shared with the team that I was struggling with my depression. After, I had one team member reach out and thank me and tell me that it made them more comfortable sharing their own struggles with depression. I had an instant moment of connection and feeling of community. 

Being transparent with your team has big benefits for you, your team, and the whole organization. 

What to share 

Here is a list of ideas to start your transparency journey (remember: make sure you only share non-confidential information): 

- project/program updates - share even if there has been no change 

- what is working in the organization and you would like to see more of 

- what is not working in the organization and ideas to make changes (or ask for ideas) 

- reasons for big decisions you have made (bonus: start including more people in some of those decisions) 

- updates, information, and decisions around grants and other funding 

- reasons for specific policies  

- reasons for changes made in the organization 

- mistakes you have made 

- more information about you (as much as you are comfortable sharing) 

- more explanations and examples of your job and what you do (I can almost guarantee they are wondering) 

Start small and grow 

Starting to be more transparent with your whole organization may be too big of a leap, so start small. Use the different steps in this post to guide you: start with some journaling then move up one step at a time until you are ready to share with everyone.  

Start safe. Share something simple with a smaller impact or consequence, then grow from there and be more vulnerable with what you share. 

As you are more transparent you will feel less lonely and more supported. Everyone else will benefit from the increased sense of connection through the different levels and departments of the organization. 

AND 

As you are more transparent with your team, your team will become more transparent with you, and a culture of honesty, trust, and “we are all in this together” can grow. 

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